Saturday, February 23, 2013

Karate man, the plan, & get it right this time

I have a new job and a new boss. Mr. Perfect Plan. He has every second of every day on a schedule for optimum performance, health, and advancement. He doesn't understand why I can not follow his example.
We are complete opposites. He arrives at 7am every day parks in the same spot, wears the same clothes, and follows his day planner like it is the bible. He eats on a schedule. He probably uses the bathroom on a schedule.
I slide into work between 7 & 8:15am and park wherever my car will fit. I'm lucky if I have matching socks and my hair is not still wet. I consider arriving at work with my clothes on and right-side-out a big win. My day is spent putting out fires and attempting to do the other jobs I have around the phones.
I have been doing payroll now for 8 years. So long in fact that I brought the Excel spreadsheet created by my old coworker over to the new place to use for payroll.
Payroll goes like this: Millwrights and crane operators and truck drivers work all day and fill in time tickets and various other papers and bring them to me at days end to turn into money for them. The nest of paper I receive daily looks like a drawer outside the shop threw up, got walked on, spilled coffee on itself, had a car accident, and was attacked by Bic pen wielding chickens. None of these guys can spell, count, read, or decide what the date is. They don't know where they were, what they were doing, for who, or for how long. From this I make payroll. My spreadsheet came to my current work with 2 pages. Page one was employee's time for the week and the amount of money they earned for that time. Page two was a table of what everyone gets for what job they are doing. I made this page up because what you're entering into the payroll system has to be exact for the Union and the payroll totals from the spreadsheet are a fail-safe. If the paycheck total and the spreadsheet total match it's a good bet I'm doing it right.. right?  Now that I have been working here for 3 months the spreadsheet has become a book. Mr. Perfect Plan has added pivot tables, profit and loss pages, billable and non-billable pages, you get my drift? It has become a nightmare of details.
I no longer have the cutesy fun font and the wild colors. It is all color coded by boring and the font is so STANDARD it makes me want to puke. AND every week he changes something in it. He calls it fine tuning. I call it torture.
The point of the rant is today he actually came up to me and said "You need to work on consistency in your payroll inputting. Every week something is different."
 What?      You change it each week and have since day one and you expect my output to stay the same? We have 13 more pages than when I started. He changed my wages driven system to a letter driven system with secret wage code pages because someone might come up to my desk and see someone else's wages for the week.

But of course I want to keep my job so I swallowed my pride and asked meekly if he had any suggestions. (Mine for him include an enema) And that folks is why I make the lowest wage per hour of any employee at this company. It sucks knowing that but I need a job.

He better be careful or I'll be out there in my Marlboro jacket looking to Karate up some secretary at a new job.


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