Monday, January 28, 2013

Worst job interview ever

You know one, I know you do. A person who knows EVERYTHING, has done EVERYTHING, has had every cool adventure, and who wants to re-live how cool they are right now with you.

This random guy shows up at my work today for a "job interview". Nothing abnormal there, we hired 4 guys this month so far. He was wearing a BUDweiser beer red jacket, cowboy boots, and jeans. Still not too weird, most of my co-workers spend their Marlboro points on clothing advertising beer or cigarettes. He knew a name of the interviewer and seemed like he had it all ready to rock n roll just like any other applicant.
Until one of my coworkers came off shift walking through my desk area and remarked casually that he (the applicant) better watch himself with those red-headed women and showed him his black eye.  I think my coworker was hinting to the guy to sit down and fill in the application and leave the receptionist alone, or else.
This random goober just jumps in front of my coworker and says; "Oh, I have martial arts training." And proceeds to spend the next 5 minutes wrestling a man who could not quite grasp what the heck was happening. He moved his arms around in vaguely Egyptian poses and said stuff like "Here just go ahead and hit me." and a lot of "Ofcourse you would just move your arms like this and then, you are OK".  All the while I am sure I had the same shocked look of horror as the rest of the people in my general area did.
The coworker of mine knows the value of his job (since he has one) and would not cooperate.
So the random man just grabs his arms and starts showing him how to throw a punch  and defend against it.  It looked like every Kung Fu move my 7 year old grandson ever demonstrated for me in the last 3 years only less professional.
Then he spent the next 20 minutes explaining how he knows all these people who are famous and how he sent $500.00 each to the paramedics who rescued him from his near fatal accident. How he could not even talk or pee, or eat for a long time after that but that the doctor did some sort of whatever after the accident and it saved his faculties eventually. (I was wishing modern medicine hadn't been quite so advanced right then.) He rambled on about Ferrari's and strange bonding moments with famous people until I nearly lost my mind. The really astonishing thing was how he never let my coworker get a word in edgewise. It was like that guy on TV who wants to talk you into buying his greater, newer, less expensive, product. I have never met anyone with a greater capacity for malarkey. He went zipping through all the male hot button subjects like a jet.  Cool cars, yea he has driven millions of them. Injuries. Celebrities. Martial Arts.

I think he is normally kept in a dark little room somewhere and only allowed out once a year to speak to other people. I think he was in a desperate rush to show us all how truly COOL he is. (As if the jacket did not do it for me) I think he normally takes anti psychotic drugs daily and missed a dose.

Having been warned by several emails the interviewer did not spend enough time listening to his stories and wanted to focus on work. At the end of it this guy starts saying things like "I don't want to get tough here, but I need a job now". By then I was wondering if I would need therapy when this guy left. So he stops by my desk, knocks on it and says "Hopefully I'll be working here in a couple of days!"

Honey, I'm sorry. The best you can hope for is not being arrested if you come back.

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